I just dont know anymore...

to look at me you will see a happy girl with a smile on my face.. to know me you will see a broken hearted soul screaming to be free'd i just dont know anymore.. is it worth it????

There is always two sides.....

I went for a drive tonight....

i drove far....

i pulled over on the side of the road to a house that was demolished

all that was left standing was this stone wall and fire place... so i walked up to it and took some pictures of it..it was beautiful.. just sitting there with nothing but rubble and dirt around it... i got back into my van and continued on my drive..i thought about that fireplace and the wall that still wondering why they left just that up and nothing else?? My mind has been trailing off alot lately.... i figured my drive, cup of tea and loud music would help clear things up in there.... i wasn't so lucky.. i ended up with a headache :S lol

When i got home my soul was still low.. so i figured i should take the dog for a walk.... we walked to the lake...around the lake..and back home.. i had my music on..i felt good.. but still my mind isn't clear..what will it take??

Why cant i just have a normal brain that works like a brain should work?? I was tempted to stop by my X's place tonight....i just needed something familiar..i drove by... but didn't have the courage to go to the door... i don't want him to think i am weak and still need him.. but tonight in a sense i really did need him..or somebody..i need to feel warm inside all i feel is tears i don't understand it... Another friend passed away.. 26 yrs old gone from a heart attack..as i think about him and his family his little boy i get more upset..i have lost 3 close ppl in 8 very short months my heart hurts.... I need a hug.. i need strength..i need a friend...i need a shoulder.. I need to get my shit together so i can wake up and be super mom again in the morning......

How could your lies be so blind???

Turtle pace..

one more step..

breath.. breathing

Emotions high

Emotions low...

No idea where to go...

I thought i loved you i thought you cared..

I thought wrong.. again..

misguided

mislead

misunderstanding of whats in store..

You don't know me.. you never did..

I am a free Bird meant for the winds

you are a statue meant to be still

We are so different

Turtle pace one more step

pushing me to what looks like the edge..

we are so different......

So another side of me came out..

I'm free! I don't need you! I felt great today....
even more so now that i didn't hear your voice...
I wanted this for so long...
I AM FINALLY SINGLE!!!!!!!!!
(tech been single for a yr now almost.. but was "seeing" someone not worth mentioning")

And i trusted you... wtf was wrong with me???

So many words come to mind when i think of how you made me feel betrayed....
i cant believe i trusted you!!! I told you things that haven't came out of my lips to another soul b4... You didn't even get away from my house before you were texting your friends and telling them!! Your a piece of shit in my eyes now.. i will no longer go to you... YOU lost out on a great friend.... go fuck yourself!!!!!

The adventures of a driving maniac.....

Fast, Fast as can be!

Zooming down the streets music blaring

It feels like home...

And once again I'm whole....

Downtown..up town..

in between towns who cares??

Just jump in my car baby and we can be free...

The random 25 and counting about me...

I'm pretty random i like it this way... soooo heres a list of 25+ random things about me.....

I have 4 pillows and 4 blankets.. i share my bed with no one...

I love the sun but hate when it hits over 25 degrees

I love both men and woman... i don't see people as a gender i see them for humans

I have 2 kids....

I sing.. i think i can sing pretty good to but no one has really heard me..

My favorite color is blue.. it suites me.. im like water calm until i get disturbed...

I have a very distinct personality... most people think I'm weired...most people don't know the real me tho

I was married to who i thought was the perfect man.. then i woke up one morning realized he had the "perfect" woman and she wasn't me....( no i didnt catch him cheating on me )

Im grateful i took the path less traveled on last summer.. it brought me to wear i am today and so far im content :)

i get sad easy & depressed..

I write ALOT...

I am in love with a woman.. she hold my heart snug inside hers.. but ill never have her

my favorite number is 7 and no not cuz its a lucky number.. because i used to call myself seven( long story behind it maybe ill tell you about it one day)

The past 4 years of my life have been filled with alot of growth and change... i struggle everyday with who i am.. im finding me tho through this journey!

I hate liers..

I have a love/hate relationship with food.... when i get to stressed i dont eat at all...
Im a stress case

Altho i looked him in the eyes and told him that i love him.. im finding that might not be the case

Sometimes i feel so alone in the world..other times i just want to be left alone

Im a hard person to be with

Im an addict.. weather its on facebook..smoking..drawing..whatever.. if i like it i get hooked and its hard for me to get off of it...

Im blunt to people i get wired vibes from.. they normally walk away not liking me(and i don't care)

I have met a lot of different people...dated a vast range of people..

i put myself in awkward situations that my"friends" just cant understand... i like the thrill..its not awkward there normal lives are awkward to me

I have a best friend who i love to bits... but i feel that she no longer needs me around ( i hate that feeling)

I smoke weed and i love it.. again its a vice to me... its my crutch (see # 22)

I drink more tea in one day then most people drink in a week...

On the outside i look sweet but my thoughts are so much more

I want to be a writer

I have done almost every drug under the sun.. this is not something i am proud of but i crawled out of that rut.. that makes me proud.. 8 yrs and counting!!!

I read up on astrology and found out that ill always be attracted to Aries but they will always be to far away from me to even "get me" were too opposite( my husband was an Aries)

I love my family to death but they drive me crazy

9 times out of 10 i feel out of place with people... unless I'm with someone who "gets me" not many do...

I come off as a snob to most people..I'm not one tho..

I can be very shy and quite or i can be the life of the party depends on my mood....

I swear i have bi-polar.. or I'm just crazy!!! lol

I fall way to hard way to fast

I'm a fair weather person meaning i might be around u for a month solid then i just kinda disappeare.. never let this bother you i will come back :) (again this leads us to my astrology sign I'm just that way)

I was born on a Wednesday.. "Wednesdays child is full of woe... you know what that nails it to a T i am full of woe and worry)

I blame myself for things that shouldn't be put on me.. but its who i am

I can bring a smile or tears to almost anyone..

I am talented in many things altho i don't give myself credit for it enough)

I am my own worst enemy

Okay well i made it to over 25 things i just might update again on this or maybe i wont... we'll see :)

I'll get hooked on you.. like i always do.....

"A rant from my brain"

Its common sense...You meet someone..

you either click or you don't....

Maybe you'll get married..maybe you wont?

Maybe you'll have children together maybe you wont... its all up in the air...

but when you fall for somebody who doesn't feel the same about you.. how do you deal???

How do you deal with anything that arises?? How do you handle situations of day to day life??

Am i getting to deep here? Or do you know where I'm coming from?

Hummm maybe if you breath

breath in..breath out...

step back and take your life in... have you been in love? have you hated? have you cried? have you hurt or have you hurt someone??? We are all humans.. we all feel

i think you forgot though you lies have spread through you like cancer... i feel sad for you the way you are... i feel sad for anyone who feels or thinks that way........

life will not stop for you... Your wasting away to nothing more then a faded dream turned into a clouded over lie...

Pop tarts and bubble gum kisses

Dream..Dreaming

wondering..

wondering who's out there? So close yet so far..

A place to feel... A place to belong...

A place to share..
Sharing..

Sharing dreams of unexpected things...

Sharing secrets...
I can share these things on here because your a blind fool...

You don't know me.. but i hooked you on my words..

Like a drug you know I'm always here...

Dreams

i dreamt about you...

i want to feel your arms so tight around me..

Feelings of trapped souls escape from no where

Screaming to be be free

And in the end of it all you know you belong to me.....

Its been a long time my friend now come in for some tea..

Sleeping under the stars...

Job offers...

Day to Day...

drivers license...

Freedom..

Campfires...

Sooo random...

Do i take the job?? Or do i pass it up?? Shes still looking to hire a "hot little number" as she calls it.. turns out I'm that hot little number shes looking for.. do i go for it??? Or do i pass it and maybe wonder about it down the road of what could have been?

I was told by a friend that he loved me...

Do i feel the same? I don't know?? I don't know anymore

i miss the high

i miss the high i got from him...

hes gone now tho.. back to his home town.. ill never see him again.. its been so long

Last night i felt peaceful.. i drank with a crazy lady.. she was fun..till she started to yell at me for stealing her beer.. i don't even like beer! Oh well the crazy woman crashed out...i continued to drink with J we slept under the stars... i think it was one of the best nights every...

Worked out..cleaned..danced..sang..showerd..

Told her that i loved her.....

She said she loves me back...

asks why were not together..

i told her i was toxic...

Random.. finding my place in this world.....

loving the hot sun on my face the breeze thro my hair ahhhhhhhh its summer.....